Little Things

We all have our little comforts in life. You know, those things that make your day just a little more doable and joyful. These can vary throughout a year, and they should, as change is good.

A few weeks ago, my therapist gave me a really simple task to do every day. This is something that a lot of people already do, whether it be in writing or through prayer or in conversation with people they share their lives with.

Write Down Everything You Are Grateful For That Day.

Super simple and easy, right?

I started off with a bang. For a week, I made a note of things that I was grateful for. Of course, the habit didn’t stick. But, I have been taking gratitude mental notes everyday! Not an entirely wasted task to do.

But, this blog post is about little things that make me happy, therefore are worthy of gratitude. Enjoy the ride!

Hourglass Caution Extreme Mascara
Yes, sure, this is a beauty product. Vanity is unbecoming, and all that jazz. But, I don’t see myself as a vain person. I’m not perfect, and I am not everyone’s cup of tea. Here’s the thing: it’s perfectly acceptable to make yourself look nice within your own parameters. And, humans do a lot of non-verbal communication with their faces. My eyes and lashes are nice to look at, so I’ll make them pop if I want to. When I’m having a particularly drab day, I like running this mascara over my lashes. By doing this, my face appears softer and more welcoming, and I don’t mind catching a glimpse of myself when I pass by a mirror. This mascara is the bombdotcom and it’s vegan. Love love love it!

Carefully Curated Playlists
I’ve been told that I’m a music snob, as well as a walking Shazam. I wouldn’t call myself a music snob, just refined and well-versed. My music collection is vast and I don’t totally discriminate (unless it comes to horribly executed, mass marketed bubblegum pop). There are five playlists I have stored in my iTunes. Songs often get added, and some get nixed very rarely. These playlists speak to a multitude of moods and activities. Music plays a huge role in my life, as I grew up playing the violin, piano, and clarinet. In the very near future, I plan on taking up the ukulele and flute, as well as relearn the violin. Also, I would love very much to spend my days getting paid to create playlists for people. Dream job! Fun fact: Prince makes his way onto every playlist that I create.

Stretching
Every morning, I do a full body stretch before getting out of bed. I’ve made this a habit since high school, and, the older I get, the more essential this action is. Throughout the day, I take a minute or two to stretch different parts of my body, while taking deep breaths. Depression is a tough cookie a lot of the time, and taking care of my body can be a difficult task at times. But, the fact that I do this one small act for my body is a step in the right direction. This means that I am aware of my body and know that I should be listening to it.

Water
I am lucky to live in a part of the world that has clean water. Without it, living life would be really difficult. I love the fact that I have functioning plumbing, the ability to clean myself and my clothes whenever I need to, and water to drink and cook with. I keep a large Brita in my bedroom to ensure that I can hydrate myself whenever I need to. I also keep an electric kettle in my room in case I get a hankering for herbal tea at 1:20am. And, the most important why I love water is that if I don’t keep myself hydrated, my whole body goes out of whack, which is a disaster for my mental health. My digestive system and my brain love and need water.

Pillows
Between the ages of about 8 and 15, I hated pillows. I couldn’t sleep well with any kind of pillow under my head. But, now, I can’t get enough pillows. It’s an age thing, I’m sure of it. As I fall asleep, I love being propped up and supported, almost like I’m falling into a pit of pillows. Tuft & Needle have awesome pillows. They are expensive (at least, in my opinion), so I have only two right now. They are worth every penny, though. The most comfortable pillows I’ve ever used! Sleep is a key element to my mental and physical health. If I have awesome pillows, I’m going to sleep well. If I sleep well, I’m going to be happy. Such a simple concept!

So, here are a few of my creature comforts. Nope. Not sponsored by anyone. Hourglass and Tuft & Needle did not pay me to mention their stuff. They don’t even know how much I love their stuff! This love is coming from a very real and honest place.

What are some of your creature comforts?

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She Stands Alone

Here’s a few facts about me: I’m approaching 35, I’m single, I don’t have any children, I identify as a cisgendered woman, I love cats (and appreciate dogs that are genetically coded to herd or rescue), and I am not ashamed of any of these.

Many single, childfree women of a certain age, particularly those who love cats, have such a bad reputation. Trust me. I am reminded of this constantly. In fact, something that always makes me laugh is when I politely turn down men I feel are not good matches for me, I often get such hate filled responses. These usually manage to include “no wonder why you’re still single; I bet you have ten cats and knit in your spare time.” These responses always clue me in even further to the fact that these men have not read a word of my dating profiles (that mention the most feminine thing I’ll do in my spare time take a long bath after an even longer run). Let me clarify, I love people who have ten cats and knit. You are giving ten adorable souls a home, and you are able to make your own clothes. I admire anyone who does both.

So, here I am, celebrating all you single women, cis or trans, especially those of you who are in your 30s (or older and wiser). I salute each and every one of you. Keep doing you, and whenever someone asks “when are you having kids?” or “you have 10 cats, right,” go ahead and tell them “Imma do me and don’t you fret about my choices, kthxbai.”

Let is rise up and celebrate each other. Let’s care for and support each other. If you witness a woman’s choices being judged and torn apart, be a voice of reason and love.

Things I Love: iPhone Apps

I live in Silicon Valley, the birthplace of Apple, Inc. Let’s be real, most people living here (middle or upper class) have iPhones. A good chunk of the people working in the tech industry have worked on an app or for a company that, at some point, has developed an app.

We all have our favorites, depending on our lifestyles. There are far too many out there, and I’m sure I’ve only tried an extremely minute fraction of what is available.

Aside from the generic apps, I have a few chosen ones that I use regularly.

I’m a huge fan of Headspace, even though I am only on day two. I have yet to subscribe to the service, but I’m sure I will. Headspace is a somewhat new app, but has already become very popular. A few friends suggested I try it. Then, my therapist even suggested it. Hey, if someone working in the mental health field thinks it is useful, I trust that it is a worthwhile app to have and use! Headspace offers a daily 10 minute guided meditation that allows people to relax, focus, and become mindful in and of their own body. The purpose of doing a meditation everyday is to get a person in the habit of doing it. Ten days isn’t quite enough, but it’s a wonderful start. There are also solo guided meditations for moments that are outside the realm of the daily meditation. Most of them are only accessible to subscribers, but there are a couple nonsubcribers can try. The man who’s voice we here is definitely from London, which I love. It’s an accent I am used to and find of. A person’s voice is a very important factor when choosing guided meditation, so this might not be everyone’s cup of tea. Because of this, I appreciate that users get ten free meditations before committing to the service. I highly recommend this to anyone looking for a positive and healthy habit to gain.

In the same vein of Headspace, an app I use frequently is Relax Melodies. If I need to get something done, like homework or writing or reading something important, I need something to keep me from getting distracted. This app allows you to pick whatever sounds that are most soothing and effective to you and customize what you are hearing. I consistently blend together Birds+Ocean+River and tweak the volume of each. I’m very much a water baby, and the sound of moving water makes me happy. Also, birds softly chirping? Yes, please! I often yearn to move to a cottage by the sea when I put this on, and until I actually do, this app offers a nice respite from the busy urban and suburban sounds I hear everyday.

My physical health is just as important as my mental health. I have an app that is absolutely essential in my life. Ever since I got my first period 22 years ago, the only time it has been regular is when I’m controlling it with birth control (which is rare). I need something to, at the very least, give me some sort of an idea as to what my cycle is doing, so I can have dates and numbers recorded. This helps when I see any kind of doctor. I believe it is essential for women to truly understand their bodies and own their uniqueness. There are a bunch of apps out there that help women track their cycles. Some are extremely detailed and are great for women who are trying to conceive or who are experiencing chronic reproductive issues. While I might  be experiencing PCOS in my own life, I’ve learned ways to manage it, and don’t need extensive tracking. The app that has worked best for me is Period Tracker Lite. I have upgraded to the paid version, although I can’t remember why. At least, I know that I like the app and will continue to use it for years to come. I am not sure if it is available for android phones, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it is.

Of course, I love the WordPress app. It is handy when I am away from my computer and an idea for a blog pops into my head. This allows me to start a draft for the post, jot down main points and/or ideas, and make sure I don’t lose inspiration. It also allows me to track stats on the go. Aside from the fact it feels good to see that someone has read a post, I like to know what’s working, what I can change, what content is more popular.

What are some of your favorite apps? What do you use most frequently? I’d love to know what other fun apps are out there!

Current Faves: Fragrances, 2016

For the longest time, Stella by Stella McCartney was my signature fragrance. Amber is a note that I’m consistently drawn to. The mixture of rose, rose absolute, peony, mandarin, and amber always did something magical on my skin. Often, I was told that I smelled like a well made birthday cake or a bright summer day. I even had a very pregnant lady tell me that I smelled delicious and inviting. That might seem odd to hear, but I definitely took it as a compliment.

Over the last few years, I’ve gotten away from Stella. My body has changed, my hormones are working differently. Stella, while a beautiful scent, doesn’t quite do it for me like it did a decade ago. Also, I love change, even if I’ve been a creature of habit lately. I don’t like smelling the same every day. On the days I know I’ll be at a gym, I’ll just smell like my clean, masculine deodorant I’m wearing (I can’t stand the smell of women’s deos). When I wear a fragrance, it’s never the same one as the day before. Variety keeps people interested.

I have a few fragrances that are on regular rotation right now.

Jo Malone Earl Grey & Cucumber

A couple years ago, I decided to see what all the fuss was about. “Are these scents really worth the hype and money?” I thought. Well, out of all of the fragrances I tried, only two made a positive impression on me. Two! Earl Grey & Cucumber was one of them. I put some on my wrists and the back of my neck, and walked around for awhile. I wanted to see if anyone commented on how I smelled. A few people actually stopped me and told me I smelled good. Later that night, I asked my mother what she thought. She’s not a huge fan of fragrances in general, so she’s definitely a good person to ask. She was impressed and gave me the go ahead.

This fragrance is a perfect blend of bergamot, Earl Grey, cucumber, vanilla, and musk. When I wear it, it smells very refreshing, inviting, bright, and creamy. Because of the “masculine” notes of musk and Earl Grey, many people would consider this better for winter and/or evening. I love it all year round, as the bergamot and cucumber give the fragrance a very lively element.

Tocca Emelia

There is a group of people who blend together well. Our births fall somewhere between 1972 and 1983.  (I still claim I am a Gen Xer, because I have no emotional connection with Millennial). We are the Pearl Jam loving, super grungy, flannel and ripped jeans wearing people. We were the ones who paved the way for what fashion looks like today. Who wore cK one as religiously as me in the 90s? You know you bought, at the very least, a small bottle. You and your beau smelled and dressed alike. I wanted a bottle of cK one, because I wanted to be cool. Yes, I bought into the nonplussed, “alternative” lifestyle that Calvin Klein ads promoted. I remember loving the way cK one smelled. The fresh and crisp elements made me happy. I felt energized when I wore it. I also loved that people thought I was cool with my big bottle of cK one sitting on my desk. [I remember the day I got it. My mother agreed to buy it for me while we were waiting to get on a ferry between Ireland and England (or possibly Wales). It was duty-free, so I’m sure that’s why I was able to convince her.]

Well, I finally found something that reminds me of cK one (as it’s so hard to find these days, and I’m not 15 anymore). Toque’s Emelia is extremely reminiscent of cK one. In fact, the first time I tried Emelia on, I was taken right back to eighth and ninth grade. I immediately wanted to change into a pair of loose fitting 501s, a white tank top, and an oversized flannel. Pearl Jam’s ‘Daughter’ came flooding into my mind. Later that day, as I walked past a group of people, I heard one of them say “oooh, what’s that smell? It reminds me of being a teenager!” She looked my age, so I had to assume she was talking about cK one. I didn’t ask her, so I could be completely wrong.

There are so many notes in this fragrance: magnolia tree lead, bison grass, geranium, praline, coconut water, clementine, and so many more. It is a very green and citrus fragrance, but unlike an extremely popular and overused fragrance. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, hallelujah!) Emelia wears extremely well. It stayed on my skin for about 9 or 10 hours. It may have stayed longer, but I fell asleep smelling delicious.

LaVanila Vanilla Summer

Vanilla definitely has a bad reputation. There are many vanilla based fragrances out there in the world, and you can tell the quality of the fragrance by the way the vanilla smells. If it smells too sweet or synthetic, it’s probably not the best quality. It’s also probably not very expensive either. I am definitely picky about what kind of vanilla I have on and the concentration of the note.

LaVanila is known for their vanilla based fragrances. What sets them apart is that they don’t use synthetic chemicals to produce any of the notes in their perfumes. Each fragrance in the line is made with essential oils and ingredients that come from naturally derived ingredients. Even the alcohol in the perfumes is sugar cane alcohol. All of the products are free of synthetic fragrance, petrochemicals, parbens, synthetic dyes, and other ingredients that appear on consumers’ no-no lists.

Long before LaVanila created Vanilla Summer, I wore Vanilla Coconut. It smelled amazing and I got a lot of compliments. The only problem that I had was that the fragrance would quickly brown, due to the fact the coconut essential oil was naturally derived instead of synthetic. I love spritzing my clothes with a bit of perfume to allow the scent to linger. With Vanilla Coconut, I could only do that with black clothes. The moment Vanilla Summer was released, I was in love. It is absolutely a mood elevator. It makes me think of being on a beach in Hawaii, sipping an icy cocktail after a long day of swimming and surfing and running around. The fragrance motivates me to be active and get outside.

Aside from vanilla, the notes of Vanilla Summer are pineapple, mango, coconut milk, and sugar cane. Seriously, it’s exactly what a tropical smoothie or cocktail should be made out of. Every time I wear this, people who don’t like the smell of traditional vanilla (overly synthetic and saccharine) tell me that they love how I smell. This perfume seems to put everyone in a great mood. I wear this all year round, and it is very helpful during dreary, cold winter days. It snaps me out of any gloomy mood I might be in.


I do have other favorite fragrances, but these are the fragrance I am wearing regularly. Seek them out! Try them for yourselves. Sure, they might not work for everyone, but keep an open mind. It’s nice to try something new. These fragrances, in my opinion, are very versatile and can work for most people.

Enjoy your Valentine’s Day & remember to love yourself!

Branching Out To YouTube

I’ve decided to finally branch out and start a YouTube channel. As of February 4th, 2016, there are only two very raw and mildly embarrassing videos up on my channel. I will become better at shooting videos & editing, as well as creating content that people want to see. However, I would love to get subscribers and views. Please take a gander and hit that subscribe button if you’d like: Ellie @ YouTube.

So, here’s the deal. The more subscribers and views I get, the more content I will create. I’ll do anything from a ‘get ready with me’ video to weekly recap video to a ‘my favorite xyz’ video. I’m happy to take suggestions now, so I can formulate what I’ll be talking about and when the videos will go up. Incredibly ludicrous ideas probably won’t happen, so please be reasonable with your suggestions! Please, tell me what you’d like to see!

Thank you, loves!!

 Nobody’s Perfect.

The thing about depression is that, while everyone experiences sadness and grief, those of us who are actually depressed get frustrated when people tell us it will pass. It often doesn’t. We’re lucky if we have one day in a long string of months in which we feel normal and can actually contribute to society in an acceptable manner. It’s also very frustrating when people are shocked when we actually seem genuinely happy. That diminishes our identities and is a huge hurdle we have to deal with.

I’ve known I’m not wired to be happy for two decades. Twenty years is a long time.

Here’s the thing: one can say that they don’t understand how anyone can be depressed. Well, those of us who struggle every single day to force a smile when we’re screaming on the inside can’t understand how people can be happy all the time. And, us depressed folk, we are highly functioning people. I’ve managed to stick around for twenty years. It’s been difficult, but I’ve made it work.

Describing depression isn’t an easy task. We all experience it in very unique ways. The general idea of it is the same, but we all cope with it in our own ways.

“Depression doesn’t define me.” and “I’m a real person with real value.” These two stand out. While depression is one of many parts of us, it isn’t who we are. We have plenty of things to offer this world. We are well aware of this. While it can often be challenging for some of us to be motivated to shine, we have the ability to. Instead of being stigmatized, we need to be loved equally.

There are great resources out there for those of us struggling with some sort of mental health spark. [I use the word spark, because issue, disease, and disorder each hold such negative connotation. Spark, for me, is a happy word. It is a motivating word in my life.]

If you live in a town or city with a public library, I highly suggest utilizing it. Depending on the town or city, there is usually a good selection of self-help books and books about mental health. Remember that not all self-help books are created equal. They often have a bad rap, but there are some great books out there, I promise! I suggest books on mindfulness, creativity, and other task based guides.

I know that it’s often difficult to find the strength or motivation to get up and move. But, movement really does help. If you live near a park, walk there with a book & some tea or coffee. Sit & read, breathe in some fresh air. Attempt to smile at three people. Then walk home. This helps me find some momentary peace.

If you are a college student, use the health services your school fees pay for. Many higher education have mental health services. They are staffed by a few licensed therapists (who are often professors at the school) and graduate students who are training to become therapists. It is an affordable way to get some counseling. If they don’t offer counseling, they are well connected to resources outside the school, and are able to assist you finding affordable therapy.

Also, research graduate schools in your area. Often graduate psychology programs will offer affordable group therapy or other affordable forms of care.

If you are religious, connecting with religious leaders are a great resource. They are usually trained to counsel individuals as well as lead a congregation. They are also able to direct you to proper venues for help.

My last suggestion is to search online for “affordable online therapy.” You’ll find a decent list of (legally operated) websites that offer counseling done online, usually through private chat or video.

I hope this helps everyone! This only scratches the surface, but it’s a start. If you know someone with a mental health spark, please educate yourself. If you experience a mental health spark yourself, I hope this motivates you to reach out for help.

Please remember that I am not a licensed therapist or doctor, nor do I have a Ph.D in psychology. I am speaking purely from my own experience. Always seek out the help of a licensed professional.

Get Motivated

As someone who has struggled with procrastination and motivation most of my life, I’ve been trying to figure out the best way(s) to get excited about each day. I work well under pressure, as do, I feel, many people. But, daily productivity makes life just a little easier.

The first thing is to create a clean & functional living environment. When your living space is clean and clutter free, it is easier to relax and enjoy downtime. Also, it allows one to designate different areas for different activities.

I’m currently in the middle of decluttering & deep cleaning my bedroom. I admit that is totally chaotic. And, the older I get, the less I can tolerate controlled chaos. So, I am sorting through clothes, cosmetics, books, etc., and compartmentalizing everything. Hopefully, by the end of the week my bedroom will be a million times better.

[Let’s be real for a moment, this blog post is a distraction from the decluttering process.]

Decluttering my room is a daunting task, as I am known for letting things pile up/collect. I’m not a hoarder; never have been, never will be. The thing is, when it comes to my stuff/my bedroom, I don’t clean as I go. It’s a bad habit, one that I am trying to break.

In order to get me pumped to reorganize, I’ll choose a Genius Mix on my iPod, and let the music guide me. If I am able to hear things that make me happy, I find myself feeling much more productive and willing to work. Some people need silence to be productive. I’m the opposite. While I am very sensitive to loud sounds (slamming doors, screaming babies, trains, etc. all stress me out), if I am in control of my auditory environment, I am a happy & motivated person. If you are like me, I suggest you make a few different playlists to cater to any mood, setting, or goal. I’ve got countless hours of music in my iTunes library, so it’s not very difficult to create a plethora of playlists.

Next, I make sure I am well fed and hydrated. I don’t focus well if I’m not hydrated. And, I hate feeling hungry. If it means having a bowl of berries and/or cashews within reach, that’s perfect. If the project is longer than a few hours, I take into consideration meal breaks. It’s always good to step away from something if you’ve been at it for a few hours.

Lastly, I set a goal time and/or date. I’ll post it on my mirror, my calendar, next to my bed – whatever reminds me to get stuff done. Within that scope, I make sure to factor in all other aspects of life: work, school, rest, exercise, and socializing. And, I definitely make sure I do take breaks. I’ll go at it for a few hours, take a break, then get back to the grind if there is more to do.

With that said, the most important thing to remember is to remind yourself that even if the task at hand is extremely daunting, there is a purpose to it, and the end result will be worth it. So, do what makes you most motivated. Music, the chance to see a movie you’ve always wanted, a yummy snack or dessert, a friend you’ve been dying to catch up with. Give yourself an attainable reward to look forward to and be reasonable with your expectations and timeframe.